My Writings. My Thoughts.
// January 22nd, 2010 // 5 Comments » // Food, Internet
If you believe all the rumours, I’m sure that the Apple Tablet can cure cancer, bring people back from the dead AND make your tea.
…Well, it is Apple, after all. iTards expect it to be able to defeat anything and everything.
If the Apple Tablet was a human, he/she would be the equivalent of the pregnancy of a big celebrity, judging by the amount of hype given to him/her. To pick a really bad metaphor, remember when Katie Holmes was pregnant with Tom Cruise’s baby? Countless articles on gossip blogs wondered, “Is he/she even real?”, “How far along is she?”, “Have they picked out any names yet?” and even “What is he/she going to look like?”
And so, with the Apple Tablet apparently in the works, the same questions pop up over and over again.
Author’s Note: Told you it was a bad metaphor. The Apple Tablet will not resemble Suri Cruise in any shape or form.
Now, don’t be silly with your comparisons. I’d never throw an Apple Tablet at Tom Cruise.
But despite the strange juxtapositions, after some debate, we’ve all established that said Tablet is probably real. As for how long before he/she is released, the name, and what he/she’s going to look like/actually do, we’re all still clueless.
Shiny Shiny recently had a poll where they asked how much we would be willing to pay for the Apple Tablet, and briefly mentioned that whilst everything that could have been written about the Tablet had already been written, no blog had ever answered the question of “If the Tablet was a human, what would its favourite pizza be?” …Yet.
I am happy to fill in this niche in the market – after all, I did nerd Beyoncé a few months ago in response to what they wrote about this.
And so, armed with a love of pizza, two articles on “What do your favourite pizza toppings say about you?” and a roundup of all the Apple Tablet rumours, I present to you my detailed analysis of:
Me? I’m a meat and two cheese kinda girl, but then again, it fits my personality to a T.
“People who prefer traditional, single meat toppings described themselves as being irritable, argumentative procrastinators, who frequently conveniently “forget” obligations at work and at home.”
Pepperoni is definitely out for the Apple Tablet, because he/she needs to be patient, organised, and remember all the things his/her owners cannot. Owners of these devices will typically be flakes like me.
What about margherita pizzas?
“If you prefer that your pizza is plain with cheese only, then you probably have a true affinity for authentic Italian pies. It is also likely that you have simple, yet elegant tastes.”
Whilst Apple sells well due to the simplicity of their devices and the cutting-edge technology they use, the Apple Tablet won’t be exactly ‘authentic’ in the way his/her predecessors were. Generally, the rumours suggest he/she will be an amalgamation of the iPhone and the Mac. Apple aren’t bringing anything new to the table, and are combining the best features of what they already have. Therefore, the plain pizza would not be chosen by the Tablet.
When it comes to single vegetable pizzas…
“Pizza eaters who prefer one-vegetable topping pizzas (like tomato, or mushroom) are empathetic, understanding, well adjusted and easy going, making them the ideal parents.”
Hmm. I guess I could cry on my Tablet after a bad day and trust it to understand my feelings, but WHAT IF I BREAK IT WHILST I’M CRYING ON IT? How does it expect to understand my feelings then, when it’s in pain itself?
Additionally, since this is the first tablet device Apple have brought out, it is certainly not well-adjusted. There will be problems. Users will claim that they overheat, explode and turn spontaneously into hot water bottles. Apple will release a new Tablet by next year, trying to fix the problems that have just cropped up. The Tablet is the ideal parent because it will teach further generations of Tablets what NOT to do. However, the Tablet would probably never eat the single vegetable pizza willingly, because it is a constant reminder of his/her faults.
The Tablet would also hate pizzas with multiple vegetables because, well…
“Those who prefer multiple vegetable toppings are trustworthy, loyal and dependable. They value friendship and function best in a group environment. They are humble, introverted, and avoid the spotlight.”
The Tablet, like all Apple products, enjoys being the centre of attention, and won’t regret attacking those who gets in his/her way. As for humble? Introverted? AVOIDING THE SPOTLIGHT? This is Apple we’re talking about. They thrive on the hype surrounding the secrecy of their products – we don’t even know what the Tablet’s going to be called at the moment.
Then we have the non-traditional pizzas.
“Those who prefer non-traditional toppings such as pineapple and onion tend to be aggressive, achievement-oriented, natural leaders. They do not easily suffer fools, and love the idea of having pizza that tastes like buffalo chicken wings and bleu cheese. They probably will try just about anything once—whether they’re eating or not.”
Whilst Apple is very, very protective about their trade secrets, they don’t want the Tablet to be too intimidating, or people will be too scared to use him/her. The Tablet wants people to use the damn device and over and over again, and rave about their love to all their family and friends! Apple will need their users to feel like they are in control of the Tablet, and that they aren’t brainwashing them to love all things silver and black – Oops. The Tablet also needs to be sleek and well put-together, whilst still being welcoming to a 2 year old.
This means that the strange pizzas are out. We want Apple to try new things, but don’t want them going completely off the rails. The Tablet wants us to see him/her as innovative, but retaining enough familiarity for our comfort zones at the same time.
Which leaves…
Meat, meat and more meat!
“If you really take notice, you’ll observe that the commercials for Pizza Hut Meat Lovers’ pizza are highlighted with lots of excitement. The announcer’s voice is robust and energetic—with a hint of assertiveness. This is no accident. The marketers are more than likely attempting to appeal to all the “big” personalities out there. Those who like their pizza pies piled high with pepperoni, sausage, ham, and beef are often not shy individuals.
Those who preferred traditional, multiple meat toppings are dramatic, seductive extroverts who thrive as the centre of attention. They crave novelty in all aspects of their life, are fashionable and impeccably groomed.“
OMG. THE HYPE SURROUNDING THIS TABLET IS ALMOST AS BIG AS THE HYPE SURROUNDING THE JESUS PHONE iPHONE. It’s going to be very overpriced, filled with fattening crap we don’t really need, but it’s going to be so delicious and will make you cry for more.
…Wait. Are we still talking about the Tablet?
What finally seals the Tablet’s fate is this:
If you prefer traditional single-meat toppings like pepperoni, your attraction is for a person who likes a pizza loaded with meat toppings,
perhaps because you’re attracted to their unbridled zeal and passion.Those who favor multiple meat toppings are most attracted to one another. This poses a problem for those hopeless romantics who prefer
single meats — their loves love another.
Ditzy people like me (Pepperoni) + iTablet (Meat Lover) = Unrequited love. I will probably fall in love with him/her at first sight, but he/she will only take a platonic liking to me and break when I’m not looking.
So, there you have it, guys. The Tablet will be a massive beer-guzzling meat-lover. Eat up, Apple fanboys/fangirls!
Scary thought: This time next year, we could be eating pizzas shaped into the Apple logo. *shudders*
Disclaimer: I own an iPhone 3G and a MacBook, and have previously owned iPod Touches and iPod Nanos (this is until I broke them, however). I will probably end up getting the Apple Tablet a few months after it comes out and the price goes down, and will taser anyone who dares to call me an iTard.
This is the strangest post I’ve ever written, and I completely blame @ShinyShiny on Twitter for this.
// January 20th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Internet
Note: If you want to add me on Facebook, go to http://facebook.com/Rammi
I have two accounts on Facebook. One for the people I actually talk to and online friends, and another for the people I know in real life but don’t really speak to (you know, the people who add me because they worked with/went to school with me once upon a time).
Facebook has a “feature” whereby they randomly tell you to reconnect with people you haven’t recently talked to on there. It fails to account for the reasons why you don’t talk to them, however. I keep on being asked to say hello to Hedwig Potter. I really don’t want to talk to a dead owl, if you don’t mind.
Recently, it’s been bugging me to talk to this person:
Um, I appreciate the help, Facebook, but I need to talk less to myself, not more.
// January 18th, 2010 // No Comments » // Me
2010 is looking like it’s going to be a great year. If every week is half as fun as this week was, then this will be the greatest year ever.
I took part in the first London No Pants/Trousers Day, and appeared in several newspapers and websites sans trousers. As Drusilla put it, I inadvertently became “the poster girl for exhibitionism.” Whoops.
Also this week, someone helped me get a life goal completed. I may not have told you this before, but one of my life goals was to be immortalised in song. I have zero musical talent (Grade 1 in violin many years ago does not count), and therefore am creatively challenged when it comes to music. The way I see it is that even after most of us are gone, music is timeless and will remain forever. So, in a really cheesy and selfish way, I wanted a song because it would mean that I’d actually existed, if you know what I mean? [/end long philosophical ramble]
Last year, I somehow managed to persuade Chris Blake through Twitter that writing a song about me was a good idea, despite me being a very boring nerd with almost nothing that was worth writing a song about (shh, it was a secret). Anyway, this week saw the arrival of “Rammi, Won’t You Be My Mommy?” and “Rammi, Won’t You Be My Grammy?” after I stroppily complained that “Rammi” was pronounced wrongly.
Oh, and the best part of this week? My friend brought me back BN biscuits from France! These chocolate-filled biscuits used to be sold in every supermarket in the UK, but due to poor sales, they were withdrawn in the early part of the decade. I loved these biscuits, and the accompanying advert. I can’t believe I’ve been living without BN goodness for about 10 years.
Do do do do do, BN BN! *disappears to go and eat these biscuits*
// January 1st, 2010 // 2 Comments » // Random
Hooray for the new year! New beginnings, etc., etc. I failed NaBloPoMo in the middle of December, and it felt great. XD Well, not the failing part, but knowing I managed to blog for 48 days straight. [The fool in me started a few days before the November NaBloPoMo and continued on until December.]
I hope I’ll end up wiser by the end of 2010. That’s the only thing I want. 
Here’s hoping everyone who comes across this thing has a good year… *fingers crossed*
// December 31st, 2009 // 2 Comments » // Uncategorized
Literally. Bring on a new decade of awesomeness!
// December 25th, 2009 // 5 Comments » // Website
…Ignore the potential fire hazard.
I hope your last Christmas of this decade isn’t too shocking (heh, heh).
Roll on 2010!
// December 22nd, 2009 // 2 Comments » // NaBloPoMo
I find having tonsillitis strange. Despite the constant coughing and the occasional phlegm, nothing else seems to happen. Sure, my breathing does seem a bit more restricted than when I’m healthy and not having a panic attack, but most of the time, it’s a minor discomfort a few times every year. Also, it’s easily fixed with luminous pink erythromycin tablets (henceforth known as the pink pills, because I have troubles spelling that word).
In late November, after being given the pink pills once again, my doctor told me to come back in two weeks (after the pills ran out) so he could assess whether or not I needed to have them removed or not.
Two weeks passed, the pink pills depleted, and I forgot about the bits of tissue in the back of my throat for another week.
These tissues appeared to be unhappy about being forgotten, and decided to remind me of their presence by becoming inflamed again the week after.
You know what that means? MOAR PINK PILLS.
Now, I have to wait for another two weeks to find out if I will join the ranks of my living family members, each of whom no longer have their tonsils. >.>
Lesson learned: When the doctor tells you to go back within two weeks, GO BACK IN TWO WEEKS. Your tonsils seem to have feelings. They do not like being forgotten about, and will get angry at you if you decide to go back on the third week instead.
// December 15th, 2009 // 9 Comments » // NaBloPoMo
Today, I got a friend request on Last.fm from a user named Socratesv1. I’ve been using the website since 2006 to keep up with my changing music taste, and occasionally get friend requests from friends and/or people who have a similar music taste to me. The username didn’t seem familiar to me, but we did share a “very high music compatibility”. The music we had in common was Imogen Heap, S Club 7, ABBA, Owl City and OK Go.
@Synoiz sent me a CD of ABBA’s greatest hits for my birthday yesterday (because I realised I owned no ABBA music ;_;), and this means that all I’ve been listening to today is that. This probably explains why we’re “very high” on music compatibility.
[I tend to listen to "new" music obsessively until I get sick of the sound of it.]
Anyway, I soon realised that I *did* know the mysterious Socratesv1, and that he was a friend of a friend of mine who I had spoken to on Skype before. So I logged on, and we talked about the music we had in common (quickly skipping over the S Club 7). Soon, conversation turned to my obsessive listening habits of the day… Which I quickly diverted by picking a random song I liked, to try and make it seem like I listen to other music too.
This song just happened to be You Will Love This Song, which I promptly sent him a link to. He seemed to like it, despite my annoyance at not being able to sing the phrase “You said you love it when all the words in a song move really fast and your ears have to choose just one little phrase to hold on to” in the song fast enough.
He swore that he could, and that he could actually record a new version of the song for me just to prove it.
I called his bluff (because I like this song a lot).
And so, this “challenge” of sorts began.
Alex (this friend of a friend) says that he’ll record me a version of the song by the new year, in the same style, playing multiple instruments (as a one-man band).
This is going to be awesome.
[I wrote this blog post to remind myself to get around to meeting him in January and glare at/glomp him for failing/finishing the song.]
// December 14th, 2009 // 5 Comments » // NaBloPoMo
Well, for another 10 minutes, anyway. Thanks to everyone on Plurk, Facebook and Twitter that sent me birthday wishes! [I'll extend this post later with everyone's names.] This may be slightly due to the messages I sent out at 00:00 announcing that the 14th of December had started, but they still count, right?
And now, my birthday’s going to be over for another year. Boo.
// December 13th, 2009 // 1 Comment » // NaBloPoMo
If you’ve read a few of my blog posts, you’ll notice that I’m not a person who blogs about my day. This is because my life is pretty boring.
“Eat, sleep, and breathe that you’re full of the stuff, etc. etc.” Eat, sleep and breathe. Oh, and occasionally do some work. Rinse and repeat.
I mean, I could write about the multiple ladyboys I met today (who all seem to know my name), but I have no idea how to make it sound interesting. Do you really want to know about the embarrassment and humilation I felt when I met one of them and was like, “Um, I swear you have a male twin? Didn’t I see him a couple of months ago?”
Yeah. I think not.
In my defence, she/he looked very feminine. Social situations + Rammi = FAIL.
