Also known as: “How to Creep Random Strangers Out by Email”.

14. I love you. I love you with every part of my being, but mostly with the pasty white bits.
15. I love you. But more importantly Blode loves you. Blode loves everyone and everything, except of course for Evil Moon Crabs.
16. And also remember that I love you. I LOVE you. I love YOU! I. LOVE. YOU. Hard.
17. Hooray! I love you. I love you with all my heart, and also all the other bits. All of them, every last one.

19. I love you all. I love you with all the bits of me- and I mean all of them. Oh yes.
20. I love you all. I love you with my heart, my brain, my elbows, and even the waxy bits on the inside of my ears. Yes, I love you even with the wax itself.
21. I love you. Yes, you. You mean the world to me. I think about you late at night. In the dark. Sometimes I softly whisper your name.
22. I love you. Yes, you. I love you with my nipples. Both of them.
23. I love you. Yes, you. I love you with my skin.
24. Hooray! I love you. Yes, you. I love you with my body hair.
25. Also, remember that I love you. I love you in a way that smells dirty. Dirty in a good way.
26. It just remains for me to remind you that I love you. You personally. I love you HARD.
27. I love you. I love you oh so very much.
28. I love you! I love you really HARD!
29. I am sending you positive karma using the power of my brain. I’m really sending it as hard as I can. Really, really hard.
30. I love you really, really hard. HARD!

32. I love you. I love YOU personally, hard, and moistly, and with tongues.
33. I love you. I love you with my shins!

35. I hope you are all wonderfully, blissfully happy! I love you! I FREAKIN’ LOVE YOU!

39. I love you with all my heart! Yes you. Personally.
40. I love you. I love you so much it HURTS I tell you. It hurts intimately.

43. I want you to know that I love you very much
44. I am sending you positive karma as hard as I can using the power of my brain – and that’s pretty DAMN HARD! YEAH!

46. Remember I love you very very hard indeed.
47. I love you very very hard. Really, really hard, and I hope you are having a truly wonderful day.
48. I do so hope that you are having a truly marvellous day as I love you as hard as I can. I love you so hard that veins are standing out on my head, pulsing. I’ve gone all red. I’m also sweating. And making a kind of uuuurrrrrrrrgh noise in the back of my throat. That’s how hard I love you right now.
49. I love you. I love you so hard. SO HARD! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD!
50. I love you hard. I am loving you hard right now with my brain.
51. I love you. I am loving you right now, as hard as I can. AS HARD AS I CAN DAMMIT!
52. I love you. I love you really, really hard!
53. I love you all, as hard as I loved that cup. Yes: THAT HARD!
54. I love you incredibly hard! So hard it hurts! It hurts REAL BAD! But it also hurts REAL GOOD!
55. WOOHOO! I love you really, really hard!
56. I love you really hard! So hard it hurts! It probably hurts you more than me but it hurts so good!
57. I love you really really really hard!
58. I love EXTREMELY HARD. YEAH!
59. I love you very very hard!
60. I love you. I love you very very hard. Very hard indeed. Really HARD.
61. I love you incredibly hard.
62. I think that just about wraps it up for today, except to check whether I’ve told you how beautiful you look today. Have I? Because if I haven’t, I’m telling you now. Hell, you are BEAUTIFUL! You are GORGEOUS baby! YEAH! GO YOU! Mwah! Superhugs! I love you!
63. I love you with every fibre of my whole being.
64. I love you. I really, really love you. You are so HOT! YEAH! You are SIZZLING! You are GORGEOUS!
65. I LOVE YOU SO HARD! SOOOO HARD! Oh you are good enough to eat!
66. I love you! I love you SO HARD! SO SO HARD! You are looking SO HOT today! You are HOT! YEAH! OOOOH YOU ARE LOOKING GOOD!
67. You look so fine today. Really you do. Have you been working out? Coz you are looking buff! Real buff! Ooh…. I feel all flustered now. I do so hope you are having a WONDERFUL day! It’s spring time here and that is a wonderful wonderful thing and no mistake! Byeee! I love you! I love you really really hard!
68. I think that’s about it for today except to tell you how much I love you, which is a lot. A LOT! Like REALLY HEAPS LOADS! You smell so good too. Ooh, I could just sniff you all day long.
69. The only thing that remains for me is to tell you how gorgeous you are looking today! Cor Blimey! Phwoar! AROOOGA! You are looking AMAZING! And you SMELL SO GOOD! OH YEAH! Have you been working out? Because you are looking BUFF!
70. You are smelling so good right now. I could just stand behind you sniffing you all day! I really could! In fact I probably will!
71. I LOVE YOU. OH GOD I LOVE YOU! YOU ARE SO FREAKING HOT! Can I have something you’ve touched? Something that smells of you?
72. I think that’s about it from me today. Except to mention how HOT you are looking! Have you been treated to a professional makeover? Because you are looking SUPERFLY! OOH YEAH! HOOARGH! YEAH! I love you very much. Very very much indeed.
73. I love you! I love you so very very much! I wish I had a photo of you to keep by the bed! I’d look at it for hours! HOURS! IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! ALL NIGHT! JUST STARING AT THAT PICTURE OF YOU! And stroking it softly. And weeping.
74. I love you. I love you so much that it makes my teeth hurt. They really really hurt! In fact there’s a big hole in one of them, and it’s gone black and there’s puss leaking out of it and it hurts so badly I can hardly think straight and that’s ALL BECAUSE OF HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU!
Superhugs! Mwah! Mwah! Darling you look so gorgeous I could eat you all up! Really I could! Would you mind? Any bits you don’t need? Just a finger or a slice of shin or something Mmmmmmmm delicious!

77. Anyway, I think that’s about it for this week. Except to tell you how HOT you are, and how much I LOVE YOU. I love you so hard,  I’d make a noodle for you! A rice noodle! One enormously long noodle! It would be the same width as a normal noodle, which is actually quite thin as it happens, but it would be the LONGEST NOODLE KNOWN TO MAN! I would make it by hand, slave over it until it was 30 miles long! Then I would delicately engrave the entire length of the noodle with poetry about how much I love you and how HOT you are! I would TOTALLY do that for you! Except I don’t have any rice here, so I guess I won’t. But if I did I TOTALLY WOULD because I LOVE YOU THAT HARD!

79. I think that’s about it for this week except to tell you how much I love you. I really do! I love you so much that I’d eat bacon for you! I’d take bacon and pork products made from blood and fat and entrails and I’d fashion them into the form of a cocktail glass and I’d gluttonously scoff them JUST FOR YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU THAT MUCH.
Every time I eat bacon, or black pudding, or anything else from a pig, I do it FOR YOU. I’m thinking about you as I eat that bacon (or other pork product). I’m thinking of you as I fry it up and I’m thinking of you as I chew it and I’m thinking of your face as I pat my distended meat-filled belly. When it comes out the other end, of course, I’m thinking of something else. Yes, something else. Not you. Not then. That would be weird and horrid. I’m probably thinking about cars or hammers or something else that isn’t you, honest.
80. I love you. I love you REALLY HARD. I love you so much I’d cut my toenails and give you a bit in a special box! I TOTALLY WOULD DO THAT FOR YOU! I would totally give you a bit of my toenail if I could only find my scissors.
I can’t find my scissors. Sorry about that. If I could find them I would be snipping that precious toenail for you RIGHT NOW.
81. I love you. I love you so HARD! I love you so hard I’d get you a pony! I’d get you a pony all of your own, and he’d be called Lucky and he’d be YOUR pony!
I’ll have to give him to you over a period of time though. It’s too big a present to have all at once. We’ll start with a leg. I’ll give you a leg tomorrow. You can call him Leggy, and he can be your best friend! Back left leg for starters. If you’ve been good at Christmas you can have the torso! He’s called Bleedy! Eventually, you’ll have your whole pony! Good old Lucky the pony! And in the meantime, good old Leggy the back left leg of Lucky!
Mwah mwah superhugs you are looking so HOT OH GOD YOU ARE SO HOT OH GOD CAN I TOUCH YOU?
82. I love you. I love you really hard! I love you as hard as I can, all the time! I’m loving you right now! I’m loving you while I write this! I am loving you furiously!
People sometimes ask me whether the love comes first, or the fury. I tell them that they both engender each other. As soon as I start loving, I become furious. If something makes me furious, I begin loving uncontrollably. The fury and the loving, overwhelming me with their extremity. I start to scream both in fury and love, turn bright red and the veins pop out of my head. Screaming and screaming, loving and loving, round and round I spin, flailing and screaming and loving, till I collapse in a heap, exhausted, soaked in sweat and love.
And then it begins again. On and on, round and round, every day. What a beautiful life it is, full of so much love, and so much fury.

84. I love you! I love you SO VERY HARD! I’d do anything for you! Really literally anything! My love for you is only constrained by my body’s physical capacity to contain it! I would increase my volume so as to get more love for you in! I’d expand enormously! I’d gorge on meats and cakes JUST FOR YOU until I was a love-filled massively obese immobile mound of blubber! Inflated like a balloon with my enormous love for you! I would be able to fit in SO MUCH LOVE as I grew fatter and fatter until I was entombed in a room stuck fast in my own vomit and excreta, a stinking putrefying blubbery mountain of LOVE!
ALL FOR YOU! YOU LUCKY LUCKY THING!
I’ll get started on that project at lunch time.
85. I love you! I love you so much! I love you so HARD! I would do anything for you! I’d burn off my skin for you and wrap myself in clingfilm to keep the bits in and then come and lie down outside your house all de-skinned and clingfilmed and wait for you to come out and find me collapsed there outside your door just to show you how HARD I love you! I’d totally do that!
I’ve run out of clingfilm though so I can;t do it right now. I’d TOTALLY do it for you if I had some clingfilm though.
Mwah Mwah Superhugs I love you oh god I love you
86. I love you! I love you so HARD! OH GOD I LOVE YOU SO HARD! I’d do ANYTHING for you! If we were out in the wilderness and it was raining and there was no shelter at all, I’d cut off MY OWN EYELIDS and sew them into a poncho for you to wear to keep the rain off! EVEN THOUGH IT WOULD REALLY HURT I’d do that for you! The rain would wash the dirt out of my eyeballs, so it wouldn’t be too bad while it was raining. Hopefully by the time it had stopped raining and my eyeballs began drying out we’d have reached civilisation and I could get medical attention and maybe some prosthetic eyelids or something. I’d TOTALLY DO THAT FOR YOU! OH GOD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!
87. I love you. I LOVE YOU SO HARD IT HURTS! Seriously, it really hurts. I think maybe I should go and see the doctor about it. Every time I think of you, it hurts, and this stuff comes out – it looks bad, smells even worse. It’s quite embarrassing. I really should go and see a doctor. It can’t be right. Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee love and kisses and superhugs OH GOD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH OW OWW OOOWWWW OUCH!
88. I LOVE YOU! I love you SO HARD! I’d do anything for you! I’d mutate myself with nuclear radiation until I turned into a huge lobster man thing with pincers and a carapace and loads of little legs and antennae despite the terrible pain and suffering I’d do it just for you so that you could eat bits of me in a Mutant Lobsterman bisque and have delicious meals I’D TOTALLY DO THAT FOR YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU THAT HARD!
I don’t have any nuclear radiations at the moment though so it may have to wait. I’ll do it for you, just as soon as I’ve got some nuclear radiations to do it with.
MWAH MWAH SUPERHUGS AND BIG SLOPPY KISSES OH GOD YOU ARE SO HOT I LOVE YOUR SMELL!
89. Joel did ask us, as he was leaving us locked up in the dungeon, to tell you that he loves you very much. He loves you so much that he’d lock you in a dungeon, for a week, with only a shouty man called Norm swearing rhythmically at you to keep you sane. Yes, he’d really do that for you.
90. I love you. I love you SO HARD! I would do anything for you! ANYTHING! If you were feeling ill or sad, I’d make you better! I’d put my face a fraction of a centimetre away from your face, and I would scream “PINE CONES!” as loudly as I could over and over again, at the very top of my voice, until you felt better! I would just keep on screaming “PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES” into your face over and over again for as long as it takes! I wouldn’t stop!
I would NEVER stop until you felt ecstatically joyful and well as well can be! I’d just keep screaming and screaming and screaming and screaming, “PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES PINE CONES”
So if you’re feeling out of sorts just let me know won’t you! And I’ll be right round to make you feel all better!
91. I love you! I love you SO HARD! I love you so hard I would punch myself over and over and over again in the groin for you! Over and over, punching myself and doing a dance! The “I am punching myself repeatedly in the groin” dance! I’d just keep on doing it for you! And I’d jump up and down and through the tears of agony I’d sing a song and the song would go “I love you I really really do, I love you lalalalalalalala” and I’d punch and punch myself and cry and sing and jump and cry and punch and cry and jump and sing and punch myself until you tell me you love me too. You’d do that pretty quickly wouldn’t you? Because it would be a bit unpleasant if you took your time telling me you loved me too.
Yep, really unpleasant.
Anyway, byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I LOVE YOU OH GOD YOU SMELL SO GOOD!

93. Anyway, I think that’s about it, except to tell you how hard I love you. I LOVE YOU SO HARD! I’d do anything for you, I really would! I’d change my name to Patrick for you! And I’d go to Ireland, and I’d DRIVE OUT ALL THE SNAKES! Just for you to prove how hard I love you! And when I’m done with that, I’ll go over to Germany and drive out all the cows! And then I’ll go to Sweden and drive out all the weasels! And then I’ll go to Ghent and drive out all the voles! And then I’ll go to Denmark and drive out all the Elk! I’ll just keep on going, till I’ve visited EVERY COUNTRY IN THE WORLD and driven out SOME KIND OF ANIMAL until you UNDERSTAND HOW HARD I LOVE YOU!
Mwah mwah sloppy kisses and superhugs! Oh God you smell so GOOD!
94. I love you. I love you SO HARD! I love you to the moon and back! Although if NASA were to bomb the moon into tiny smithereens then that would become a very difficult amount to quantify. This is another reason to protest the destruction of the moon. As the moon is (as we all know) made of meat, smashing the moon into tiny fragments which then fell to earth would generate a huge number of meateorites.  MEATeorites! HAHA DO YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE THAT WAS A CLEVER JOKE!
Anyway I love you so hard that I’d bomb the moon to tiny meaty bloody gory shards of flesh! JUST FOR YOU! I’D SWALLOW MY PRINCIPLES AND I’D BOMB THAT SPACE-BOUND ORBITING MEAT-SPHERE TO OBLIVION! ALL FOR YOU! I LOVE YOU THAT MUCH!
95. I love you! I love you SO HARD! I love you so hard I would carry a toilet up and down stairs all day for you! If I had to listen to music while carrying the toilet, I expect I would listen to Cistern Of A Down! HAHA! Did you get my funny joke?
Seriously though I would totally carry that toilet up and down and up and down until my legs collapsed, then I’d keep dragging myself and the toilet up and down the stairs till my fingernails were just bleeding stubs, and eventually with the last of my strength I would throw myself and the toilet down the stairs one final time, ending up as a broken and bloodied mess surrounded by shards of broken toilet and bits of my flesh, burbling my love for you through my shattered mouth, because that is how hard I love you!
Mwah! Mwah! Big sloppy kisses and superhugs! Oh GOD you smell SO GOOD! I wish I could just BREATHE IN YOUR MUSKY SCENT FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE.
Oh by the way I have a can of Wood Dye here. What would happen if I drank it? Well I *points at tin*
96. I love you! I love you SO HARD! I FREAKIN’ LOVE YOU! I’d do ANYTHING for you! I’d fiddle about with my genes until I found the gene that gives you chainsaws in your head and I’d tweak it so that I grew chainsaws out of my head and then I would ask you for a list of everyone and everything that had ever, ever, upset or offended you in any way whatsoever however small and I’d go round to each person and thing on that list one after the other with my chainsaws sticking out of my head and I’d DESTROY THEM with my chainsaw head I’d just TEAR THEM TO BLOODY SHREDS with the CHAINSAWS in my HEAD I’d do that all for you I wouldn’t stop until all traces of them had been UTTERLY DESTROYED because I love you THAT HARD!
97. I love you! I love you SO HARD! I’d do ANYTHNG for you! I’d genetically engineer a gigantic blood-sucking tick the size of a horse! And I’d ride it around, instructing it to suck the insides out of your enemies, leaving them as dried-out husks, then I’d build robotic endoskeletons to fill those husks, and they would become robotic soldier people-husks, a WHOLE ARMY OF THEM, ready to do your bidding, and I would lead them into battle in your name from my gigantic engorged blood-sucking tick steed until the ENTIRETY OF HUMANITY WAS SUBJUGATED TO YOUR WILL and then I’d develop a huge fire-beam-ray-projector and I’d use it to MELT THE CRUST OF THE EARTH releasing a huge volcanic outflow that would COVER THE ENTIRE SURFACE OF THE WORLD with MAGMA! I’d do all that for you! I love you that much! Just drop me a line when you want me to get started and I’ll get onto it.

I really ought to think about unsubscribing from this newsletter.