rammi.glomp.me

// December 4th, 2009 // NaBloPoMo

Last night, I mentioned feeling guilty for not making deadlines. Today, I still feel guilty, but for another reason.
My mum phoned me a few hours ago with news about my aunt (through marriage to my mum’s brother). The news: My aunt’s mother died a few days ago, at the age of 91. My first reaction was, “Um. OK. What do you want me to do about it?”

The fact that my aunt’s mother was still alive/had existed at some point in my life was news to me. Apparently, I met her once, when I was a toddler, in a meeting that I obviously don’t recall. I emphathise with my aunt, who has just lost her mother. I’m sorry for my uncle, who has just lost his mother-in-law. And of course I’m upset for the cousins that I’ve never met, who have just lost their grandmother. A little bit of the same sadness I would feel if anyone I knew lost a member of their family. But whatever I’m feeling, it’s not grief, or even sadness. This is where the guilt comes in.

My aunt’s mother was not related to me in any shape or form. I had only met her once. I bet she was an amazing woman who lived a long and happy life, but in theory, she was a complete stranger to me. So why do I feel so guilty about not managing to have any feelings about her death?

EDIT: I know it sounded really callous when I wrote this blog post out, so here’s a a brief reason of why I feel the way I feel: I just don’t know my family.
I don’t talk to, and have no way (and no desire) of keeping in contact with my relations at all. I have no siblings, have only talked briefly with two of my first cousins on my mother’s side, have never met/don’t remember meeting the other two, and have never met my father’s side of the family due to some stuff that happened after his death two weeks before my birth (I know, it can get complicated. Does it help that I was born on 14th December?). Oh, and I dislike the few relations I have met.
I’ve had more conversations with my mum’s first cousin’s daughter than I’ve had with any of my first cousins.
It may not help either that there’s a massive language barrier between most of my relations. Although I’m fluent in Thai, I don’t like speaking it to people I don’t know well, and I can’t understand their attempts at English. My immediate family circle consists of my grandmother, my mother and myself. In effect, this means that within two decades, I’ll have no family at all. Go me!