If you believe all the rumours, I’m sure that the Apple Tablet can cure cancer, bring people back from the dead AND make your tea.

@_joethomas

…Well, it is Apple, after all. iTards expect it to be able to defeat anything and everything.

UPDATE, DECEMBER 2011: This post was written just before the naming and release of the Apple Tablet, which is what all mainstream media was calling it at the time. All references have now been replaced with its correct name, the iPad. I have thankfully not given in and bought myself an iPad yet (but I did get an iMac, so Apple won anyway).

If the iPad was a human, he/she would be the equivalent of the pregnancy of a big celebrity, judging by the amount of hype given to him/her. To pick a really bad metaphor, remember when Katie Holmes was pregnant with Tom Cruise’s baby? Countless articles on gossip blogs wondered, “Is he/she even real?”, “How far along is she?”, “Have they picked out any names yet?” and even “What is he/she going to look like?”

And so, with the iPad apparently in the works, the same questions pop up over and over again.
Author’s Note: Told you it was a bad metaphor. The iPad will not resemble Suri Cruise in any shape or form.

Now, don’t be silly with your comparisons. I’d never throw an Apple Tablet at Tom Cruise.

@Synoiz

But despite the strange juxtapositions, after some debate, we’ve all established that said iPad is probably real. As for how long before he/she is released, the name, and what he/she’s going to look like/actually do, we’re all still clueless.

Shiny Shiny recently had a poll where they asked how much we would be willing to pay for the iPad, and briefly mentioned that whilst everything that could have been written about the iPad had already been written, no blog had ever answered the question of “If the Tablet was a human, what would its favourite pizza be?” …Yet.
I am happy to fill in this niche in the market – after all, I did nerd Beyoncé a few months ago in response to what they wrote about this.

And so, armed with a love of pizza, two articles on “What do your favourite pizza toppings say about you?” and a roundup of all the Apple Tablet rumours, I present to you my detailed analysis of:

Me? I’m a meat and two cheese kinda girl, but then again, it fits my personality to a T.

“People who prefer traditional, single meat toppings described themselves as being irritable, argumentative procrastinators, who frequently conveniently “forget” obligations at work and at home.”

Pepperoni is definitely out for the iPad, because he/she needs to be patient, organised, and remember all the things his/her owners cannot. Owners of these devices will typically be flakes like me.

What about margherita pizzas?

“If you prefer that your pizza is plain with cheese only, then you probably have a true affinity for authentic Italian pies. It is also likely that you have simple, yet elegant tastes.”

Whilst Apple sells well due to the simplicity of their devices and the cutting-edge technology they use, the iPad won’t be exactly ‘authentic’ in the way his/her predecessors were. Generally, the rumours suggest he/she will be an amalgamation of the iPhone and the Mac. Apple aren’t bringing anything new to the table, and are combining the best features of what they already have. Therefore, the plain pizza would not be chosen by the Tablet.

When it comes to single vegetable pizzas…

“Pizza eaters who prefer one-vegetable topping pizzas (like tomato, or mushroom)  are empathetic, understanding, well adjusted and easy going, making them the ideal parents.”

Hmm. I guess I could cry on my iPad after a bad day and trust it to understand my feelings, but WHAT IF I BREAK IT WHILST I’M CRYING ON IT? How does it expect to understand my feelings then, when it’s in pain itself?
Additionally, since this is the first tablet device Apple have brought out, it is certainly not well-adjusted. There will be problems. Users will claim that they overheat, explode and turn spontaneously into hot water bottles. Apple will release a new iPad by next year, trying to fix the problems that have just cropped up. The iPad is the ideal parent because it will teach further generations of iPads what NOT to do. However, the iPad would probably never eat the single vegetable pizza willingly, because it is a constant reminder of his/her faults.

The iPad would also hate pizzas with multiple vegetables because, well…

“Those who prefer multiple vegetable toppings are trustworthy, loyal and dependable. They value friendship and function best in a group environment. They are humble, introverted, and avoid the spotlight.”

The iPad, like all Apple products, enjoys being the centre of attention, and won’t regret attacking those who gets in his/her way. As for humble? Introverted? AVOIDING THE SPOTLIGHT? This is Apple we’re talking about. They thrive on the hype surrounding the secrecy of their products – we don’t even know what the iPad’s going to be called at the moment.

Then we have the non-traditional pizzas.

“Those who prefer non-traditional toppings such as pineapple and onion tend to be aggressive, achievement-oriented, natural leaders. They do not easily suffer fools, and love the idea of having pizza that tastes like buffalo chicken wings and bleu cheese. They probably will try just about anything once—whether they’re eating or not.”

Whilst Apple is very, very protective about their trade secrets, they don’t want the iPad to be too intimidating, or people will be too scared to use him/her. The iPad wants people to use the damn device and over and over again, and rave about their love to all their family and friends! Apple will need their users to feel like they are in control of the iPad, and that they aren’t brainwashing them to love all things silver and black – Oops. The iPad also needs to be sleek and well put-together, whilst still being welcoming to a 2 year old.
This means that the strange pizzas are out. We want Apple to try new things, but don’t want them going completely off the rails. The iPad wants us to see him/her as innovative, but retaining enough familiarity for our comfort zones at the same time.

Which leaves…
Meat, meat and more meat!

“If you really take notice, you’ll observe that the commercials for Pizza Hut Meat Lovers’ pizza are highlighted with lots of excitement. The announcer’s voice is robust and energetic—with a hint of assertiveness. This is no accident. The marketers are more than likely attempting to appeal to all the “big” personalities out there. Those who like their pizza pies piled high with pepperoni, sausage, ham, and beef are often not shy individuals.
Those who preferred traditional, multiple meat toppings are dramatic, seductive extroverts who thrive as the centre of attention. They crave novelty in all aspects of their life, are fashionable and impeccably groomed.“

OMG. THE HYPE SURROUNDING THIS iPAD IS ALMOST AS BIG AS THE HYPE SURROUNDING THE JESUS PHONE iPHONE. It’s going to be very overpriced, filled with fattening crap we don’t really need, but it’s going to be so delicious and will make you cry for more.
…Wait. Are we still talking about the iPad?

What finally seals the iPad’s fate is this:

If you prefer traditional single-meat toppings like pepperoni, your attraction is for a person who likes a pizza loaded with meat toppings,
perhaps because you’re attracted to their unbridled zeal and passion.

Those who favor multiple meat toppings are most attracted to one another. This poses a problem for those hopeless romantics who prefer
single meats — their loves love another.

Ditzy people like me (Pepperoni) + iPad (Meat Lover) = Unrequited love. I will probably fall in love with him/her at first sight, but he/she will only take a platonic liking to me and break when I’m not looking.

So, there you have it, guys. The iPad will be a massive beer-guzzling meat-lover. Eat up, Apple fanboys/fangirls!
Scary thought: This time next year, we could be eating pizzas shaped into the Apple logo. *shudders*

Disclaimer: I own an iPhone 3G and a MacBook, and have previously owned iPod Touches and iPod Nanos (this is until I broke them, however). I will probably end up getting the iPad a few months after it comes out and the price goes down, and will taser anyone who dares to call me an iTard.
This is the strangest post I’ve ever written, and I completely blame @ShinyShiny on Twitter for this.