Wispa Gold | rammi.glomp.me

Posted on May 22, 2010 by Rammi

This piece was written for a competition (which seems to have been deleted since then) that closed several months ago. I believe I would have won this competition had I not been too lazy to press the “Publish” button. Ah well. I will leave this here for your enjoyment instead, or as a warning to future boyfriends as to what lies in store if you try to come between my chocolate and I.

I have to admit it, when it comes to chocolate, Toblerone is my vice. However, I’m also a sucker for chocolate with bubbles in them. And caramel. Mmm, caramel… When given the opportunity to write 12 words or less/924 words or more on what I would do with 48 bars of Wispa Gold, I couldn’t resist. Guess which (insane) option I chose to write about? Yes, the 924 word version!

Note that I actually couldn’t think of 924 words on this subject (Quelle surprise!), so you’ll have to do with my half-baked attempt instead. What I have written already sounds creepy enough as it is – holy crap, I’m turning into Lulu!

So, here’s my answer to:

“If I was locked in a room with 48 Wispa Golds and Ross Farquhar, Brand Manager for Wispa, I would…”

Open the box. Well, you’ve got to start somewhere, right?
Then, I would grab all the Wispa Gold bars, and slowly open them, one by one.
And then, I would make a big long rope out of all the wrappers.
And then, I would tie Ross Farquhar with the rope made out of wrappers to something secure.
And then, I would dangle the open Wispa Gold bar above Ross Farquhar’s head.
And then, I’d wave it about until told me how to pronounce his surname, and whether he was related to Lord Farquaad from Shrek or not.
And then, I would force-feed him a piece of Wispa Gold. [No matter what he says about loving caramel, he must be sick of it by now.]
And then, I would eat the rest of the Wispa Gold bar whilst working on my evil laugh. At this point, my evil laugh still needs some work.
And THEN, with the remaining 47 Wispa Gold bars, I would build a fort (never mind the dirt on the floor).
And then I would make Ross Farquhar play a game of Cops and Robbers with me… Whilst still being tied securely to something secure.
And then I would make him lose.
And then I would eat another chocolate bar to reward myself for winning the game.
And then I would be upset about losing The Game.
And then I would comfort eat another bar to make myself feel better about losing The Game.
And then I would feel quite queasy.
And then I would start feeling nostalgic about the 80s, when Wispa Gold was a big hit.
And then I would try and think of 80s music to stop me feeling so queasy.
And then I would remember this.
And then I would grab a Wispa Gold bar to use as a microphone.
And then I would sing the literal version of “Take On Me” whilst waiting until I could physically eat more chocolate. “PIPE WRENCH FIGHT!” [Ross Farquhar, at this moment in time, is, of course, naturally terrified.]
And then I would eat the slowly melting Wispa Gold bar.
And then I would grab another bar.
And then I would pretend I was Willy Wonka.
And then I would be happy that I had ALL THE CHOCOLATE IN THE WORLD.
And then I would be disappointed that my chocolate didn’t have magical powers like Willy Wonka’s.
And then I would be sad.
And then I would cry a little.
And then I would cheer up.
And then I would Rickroll Ross Farquhar.
And then I would give him up.
And then I would let him down.
And then I would run around.
And then I would desert him.
And then I would make him cry.
And then I would say goodbye.
And then I would tell a lie.
And then I would hurt him.
And then I would share another Wispa Gold bar with him.
And then I would feel bad about my actions.
And then I would hide the 40-something remaining bars in a box.
And then I would cry and beg and pound at the door.
And then I would threaten to taser someone if they didn’t let me out THIS INSTANT.
And then I would taser the poor sod who came to open the door.
And then I would demand a refund from another person who hadn’t been tasered.
And then I would get all stroppy when they refused.
And then, after they had threatened to press charges, I would run away.

Uh, yeah. And there ends my train of thought on “If I was locked in a room with 48 Wispa Golds and Ross Farquhar, Brand Manager for Wispa, I would…” Incidentally, there are obviously many non PG things I could have hypothetically done, but that would have been awkward to write about. Really awkward.

I’m not going to be eating Wispa Gold bars for a long time. I’m never going to see them in the same light ever again after I click “Publish” on this blog post.

P.S:

Dear Ross Farquhar,

If you ever Google yourself and see this post, I am dreadfully, dreadfully sorry. Um, is this post still worthy of a Wispa Gold bar (minus a restraining order)? I’m a perfectly sane and normal person most of the time, honest! Kthxbaii.