And I say this in the kindest way possible. Louise and Emma are some of the loveliest people I know, but they can be a bit, well, slow on the uptake. Their names link to posts insulting them/instances where they’ve pissed me off in some way, and I can usually handle only one of them at a time each day without having feelings of violence. Recently, I made a fatal error by talking to both of them within hours of each other.
To start off with, I phoned Emma because I needed to find out where we were going to meet for a gig we both had tickets to. Halfway through our conversation, I heard her landline ring. Instead of ignoring it or picking it up and putting me on hold, she said instead:
Emma: Are you ringing me?
Me: I’m talking to you on your mobile now. How could I possibly be ringing you?
AAARGH.
Later on in the evening, I decided to talk to Louise on Skype. WHAT WAS I THINKING? I discussed the conversation I had had with Emma earlier. Strangely, Louise seemed nonplussed, as if ringing the same person on two phones at the same time was a completely normal thing to do.
Louise: you could have been ringing her on /your/ house phone
Me: Why would I want to ring her if I was already talking to her?
Louise: to be annoying?
Me: ^ That is not a valid reason.
And I swear to God, she then said the following:
Louise: like an echo effect or something
Louise: oh no because then you could talk to her with two phones aw that would be quite cool
I was speechless. Mind you, I should have seen it coming, because when we first started talking on Skype that evening, she asked me what VAT was. I wouldn’t hold this against her so much if she was a tourist, but seeing as she’s lived in the UK for all her life…
Me: I can’t vote here, but can’t claim VAT back when I leave the country.
Me: When I go to Thailand, I can’t claim VAT there either as I hold a Thai passport.
Louise: aww no vat for rammi
Louise: …. wait what’s vat?
Me: The 20% tax you pay on purchases?
I should probably find some other friends who don’t make me want to bash my head against a brick wall repeatedly.
Addendum
I just told Louise I’d put this blog post up.
Me: You… You… SAY THINGS THAT NO OTHER PERSON WITH A FULLY FUNCTIONING BRAIN WOULD EVER SAY.
Louise: and i’m quite proud of that, makes me unique
Short version: The Thai Embassy, The Thai Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Amthaipaper sent me to Thailand last month.
tl;dr version is below. … Continue Reading
I like sparkly objects. A lot. Well, that’s a bit of an understatement. My immediate surroundings are filled with sparklies, from my nail polish that consists of more gold glitter than actual varnish, to the piles of tinsel I just have lying around, or my sequinned shoes that are a size too small (but ones I just had to have because of how much light they reflected)…
Whenever I see something that shines, sparkles, reflects the light and/or has some form of glittery substance on it, my heart skips a beat. I go into a trance-like state whenever I see one of these beautiful objects, and I can pick out something sparkly from a great distance – my skills are only rivalled by that of the magpie.
I don’t think I’ve ever explained in detail my love for them Well, I tried to once, but got distracted by something sparkly in the corner of the room and it took me a few minutes to realise I was daydreaming about how I could make that object mine, whilst forgetting I was meant to be talking to someone. Needless to say, that person never asked me about sparklies ever again – at least, without a suspicious look in their eye.
Sparklies make me feel safe and happy and warm and confident inside. I know it sounds stupid, but I feel invincible whenever I have something sparkly in my possession – it’s like nothing could ever hurt me again. Buying sparkly objects is one of my addictions. Forget drugs and alcohol (although fun in moderation), one of my personal life mottos is that you can never have too many sparkly objects in your life.
When outside with me, you should avoid venturing inside the following: jewellery stores (for obvious reasons), craft shops because they sell pure, unadulterated glitter/sequins in large tubes, and the Disney Store. I will never buy anything from the Disney Store, but can get lost for hours staring at the copious amounts of glitter on every item.
Let me take you through my thought process of what happens when I see something sparkly.
- Exclaim, “Ooh, sparkly!”
- Resist the urge to go and touch the item if it belongs to someone else.
- Grab the sparkly item and look at the price tag, or glare at the person who owns it until they hand it over so I can get a good look at it.
- Zone out for a few seconds/minutes, depending on how big the sparkly item is.
- Buy the sparkly item, or return it begrudgingly back to the person it belongs to.
As the famous song goes, “diamonds are a girl’s best friend.” And in later years, as I (hopefully) earn more money, there will be a great increase in the amount of sparklies in my life. But I can’t help it… They’re just too pretty!
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