And I say this in the kindest way possible. Louise and Emma are some of the loveliest people I know, but they can be a bit, well, slow on the uptake. Their names link to posts insulting them/instances where they’ve pissed me off in some way, and I can usually handle only one of them at a time each day without having feelings of violence. Recently, I made a fatal error by talking to both of them within hours of each other.

To start off with, I phoned Emma because I needed to find out where we were going to meet for a gig we both had tickets to. Halfway through our conversation, I heard her landline ring. Instead of ignoring it or picking it up and putting me on hold, she said instead:

Emma: Are you ringing me?
Me: I’m talking to you on your mobile now. How could I possibly be ringing you?

AAARGH.

Later on in the evening, I decided to talk to Louise on Skype. WHAT WAS I THINKING? I discussed the conversation I had had with Emma earlier. Strangely, Louise seemed nonplussed, as if ringing the same person on two phones at the same time was a completely normal thing to do.

Louise: you could have been ringing her on /your/ house phone
Me: Why would I want to ring her if I was already talking to her?
Louise: to be annoying?
Me: ^ That is not a valid reason.

And I swear to God, she then said the following:

Louise: like an echo effect or something
Louise: oh no because then you could talk to her with two phones aw that would be quite cool

I was speechless. Mind you, I should have seen it coming, because when we first started talking on Skype that evening, she asked me what VAT was. I wouldn’t hold this against her so much if she was a tourist, but seeing as she’s lived in the UK for all her life…

Me: I can’t vote here, but can’t claim VAT back when I leave the country.
Me: When I go to Thailand, I can’t claim VAT there either as I hold a Thai passport.
Louise: aww no vat for rammi
Louise: …. wait what’s vat?
Me: The 20% tax you pay on purchases?

I should probably find some other friends who don’t make me want to bash my head against a brick wall repeatedly.

Addendum

I just told Louise I’d put this blog post up.

Me: You… You… SAY THINGS THAT NO OTHER PERSON WITH A FULLY FUNCTIONING BRAIN WOULD EVER SAY.
Louise: and i’m quite proud of that, makes me unique