On the surface, I’m a typical Thai girl. Both my parents are/were Thai, I was born in Bangkok, and I have a Thai passport. Oh, and an overdue fine of 500 baht from the local district office for not applying for a compulsory ID card the minute I turned 15. I actually have a perfectly good reason for that – I’ve been living and studying in the UK for almost two decades. The one and only thing that separates me from many other Thais is that tiny little UK stamp in my passport.
If you’re a true Thai person meeting me for the first time, you immediately know there’s something that isn’t quite ‘right’, for lack of a better word. I can speak Thai quite well, but there’s something in my accent and the way I walk and dress that lets people know I’m a farang at heart.

NB: For those of you not in the know, “farang” means “foreigner” in Thai. I have found that it is routinely used as an insult when it is directed towards me.

My trying to blend in is hindered in the fact that I never learnt to read Thai properly. My farang traits clearly show when I’m trying to decipher the street signs. “Er, that’s the tiger letter, isn’t it? And that’s the vowel with an ‘ah’ sound?”
There’s one final thing that makes me more likely to be ripped off by market traders and cab drivers alike: the way I look. Despite being pure Thai (with a hint of Chinese), I’m tall as a ladyboy, a bit fat around the edges (as many family members like to tell me) and I love to wear hats, hairbands, and large sparkly objects on my head. I’ve found that most Thai ladies are petite, have absolutely perfect figures, and beautiful, beautiful clothes.

So, Thai on the surface, British girl inside… What do you do when Amthai newspaper, the place you work at, tells you that the Thai Embassy is giving you the opportunity to go to Thailand? Apart from scream in excitement, of course.

Presenting… The Rammi tried and tested three step plan for preparing for Thailand

1. 1. Panic. I left Thailand as a toddler, and don’t remember anything of it. What am I going to do there?
2. 2. Start packing like my grandma. Have my suitcase packed and ready to go, 2 months before the flight actually leaves.
3. 3. Panic some more once I see the itinerary. I’m in Belgium when the trip officially starts.

After several days of frustrating journey planning, changing my mind about which way to get back to London a million times, and the Embassy kindly letting me fly out later than everyone else so that I had a bit more time, I was sorted. Thailand was on… That is, if I didn’t manage to have a panic attack in the middle of all the travelling.
Why were they sending me to Thailand? Well, to quote from the press release, we were going there “to cultivate a better understanding among young Thais living abroad about Thai cultures and Thai identity, including the role of the Thai monarchy, so as to promote a closer bond with their heritage.”
The following is an account of most of the weird and wonderful things I was part during my Thailand experience, both the official and unofficial.

Day 1 – I wake up in Brussels. It’s my 4th and final day here, and I’m already having trouble closing my suitcase. Managing to avoid the disgusting hotel breakfast, I hurry onto the coach to Bruges.
Once I arrive in Bruges, two hours away, I check my watch. It’s 11AM my time, which means it’s 10AM in the UK – the rest of the Thailand group has just left Heathrow. My careful journey planning has told me that my train to the airport leaves at 12:30AM, which only gives me enough time to snap a few photos of me looking ridiculous in front of the sights , and the famous clocktower.
In Belgium, they speak a mix of French and Flemish. I never learnt Flemish, and, despite studying French rigorously at GCSE, the only phrase I can remember is “Parlez-vous anglais?” before turning into one of those British tourists who don’t make an effort to learn the country’s mother tongue.
Thankfully, the people of Belgium don’t look too pissed off when I ask them to speak in English (or if they are, they hide it well). In the meantime, I’ve already spent all of my money, had a lecture from my mother on money management (“How did you manage to spend 220€ in 4 days?!”), and just about manage to buy a train ticket to the airport.
The highlight of my Brussels trip was this particular train journey, but I digress. An extremely nice stranger – who I later learn goes to Bruges solely to learn how to make horseshoes – gives me a language lesson, tells me about Belgium’s history, and, finally, all-important directions to the airport. I finally learn something from this trip!
After some more “Parlez-vous anglais?” I finally get to Brussels Airport – or Bruxelles Nationaal Luchthaven, as they call it. Personally, I think that “Brussels Airport” is so much easier to say. I’m dying for a drink, but, then again, I only have 96 cents to my name (a bottle of water is 1€). To add insult to injury, I get frisked at security for having a piece of metal embedded in my shoes.
My flight leaves at 4PM, and the flight attendant on the way back to London gives me a weird look as I lovingly cradle my 2ft Manneken Pis chocolate replica (my only souvenir) on the plane, and ask for four glasses of water.
45 minutes later, I’m back in London. Thankfully, I only live about 20 minutes away from Heathrow, so I have enough time to re-enter the UK – my hair is in desperate need of a wash, and I don’t plan on taking the chocolate Manneken Pis to Thailand, even if I am treating it like my baby.
As my family in the UK is travelling with me to Thailand, we all want to get to the airport quickly. What I’ve learnt about going through security at the airport is that it’s much, much quicker if you have an elderly person in a wheelchair beside you. My grandma hates walking sticks and wheelchairs, but on the other hand, walks at a pace of 1 mile an hour, and cuts off the blood circulation in your arm during the torturous process. Therefore, a wheelchair was the only way we were going to catch our flight on time. An added bonus is that wheelchairs get put at the front of every queue, priority boarding, and seats close to the loo. The only downside? Getting hit on by the creepy-looking guy at the airport pushing the wheelchair. “You know, you’re very beautiful…” Yeah, and you look old enough to be my dad, if not my granddad.
I get frisked again at Heathrow (do I really look that suspicious?) and am finally allowed to board the plane. Anyway, because the flight leaves at night, 12 hours quickly pass – with the help of some free alcohol from Thai Airways, of course. Mmm, Campari…
12 hours later, I land at Suvarnabhumi Airport at 4PM local time. The first thing that I notice immediately is the heat. After handling the UK’s temperamental weather for years, it’s a huge shock to suddenly be faced with 30ºC weather. It was 5ºC when I boarded the plane!
Brussels, Bruges, London and Bangkok… In the space of 24 hours, I’ve been in four cities and three countries. I like this jetsetting lifestyle.
Since everyone else on the Thailand trip is in Ayutthaya learning how to ride elephants, I decide to go shopping in Siam Square instead… And accidentally manage to spend 5000 baht in the process. See above in relation to my skills in money management.
At last, I reach the hotel I’ll be staying at for the rest of the week. Siam City Hotel is a swanky 4 star affair, and is a billion times cleaner than my room at home. I could get used to this…

Day 2 – It turns out I wasn’t running out of money in Belgium after all. I find 80€ in my handbag, and promptly receive a lecture from my mother on my non-existent organisational skills (this time, “How could you mislay 80€?! That’s almost £80/4000 baht!”). I just can’t win.
Soon after this lecture, it’s time to go for my first official embassy outing. Beforehand, I get to meet everyone else on the trip. I used to hang out with some of the people on the trip at the Buddhapadipa Temple in London, and they, like me, have spent the majority of their lives in the UK. Many others, however, were born and bred in Thailand, and only came to the UK and Ireland within the last few years. It all makes for an interesting mix.
On the way there, we get two very important hitchhikers. The people who join us, Jesada Katawaytin (Deputy Director General of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs’ Information Department) and Nijanant Buranasiri (Third Secretary), accompany us. They take us to the Privy Council Chambers to meet the Principal Private Secretary of the King, Asa Sarasin. Having Google-stalked him beforehand, he makes an imposing figure in the news. In reality, he really isn’t as scary as he looks, and even explains the confusing Thai constitution to me.
Having an interest in PR, I know how easily public opinions can be swayed in the media. His Majesty King Bhumibol Adulyadej is one of those people whose public image has been destroyed in Western media. An interesting fact we learned: even though the King is listed in Forbes as being the richest royal in the world, most of those assets are put into charitable projects (The Chaipattana Foundation).
Throughout the trip, the Thai embassy made sure we never went hungry. The Privy Council Chambers even left us snacks from the Chitralada Palace , the King’s residence in Bangkok.
Then, it was lunchtime! We were treated to food at a restaurant called Rotsabien, just across from Samsen railway station. The food was good, but I was rather surprised to see an omelette on the table. This is because at home, my diet is very very simple. It consists of rice, chicken, and A LOT of omelettes. It seemed ironic that I’d flown 12 hours to eat the same thing I do every day.
Next on the itinerary after lunch is the first of many visits to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs. Chutintorn Gongsakdi, the Deputy Director General of the Department of International Organisation gives us a talk on lèse majesté, the controversial entrenched law that forbids anyone to speak against the King. I sneak in a cheeky question about the possibility of royals committing crimes without punishment.
Finally, to round off the day, we visit Siriraj Hospital to pay homage to His Majesty the King and sign get well wishes for His Majesty’s speedy recovery. I even make the Thai national news for a brief moment!
For dinner, we eat a classic Thai meal: fried chicken and papaya salad with sticky rice. The name of the restaurant is of constant amusement to me. “Katak” is the sound Thai people think chickens make. I still believe in the British “cluck.”
At night, I visit the Patpong night bazaar. Despite all the dodgy stories I’ve heard about the area, it actually isn’t that scary. The highlight of my night is having to explain what S&M is to another girl on the trip, after her seeing someone not so subtly advertising it in the general area. Ahem.

“S&M SHOW! S&M SHOW!” **cracks whip**
“What’s S&M?”
“Well…”

Day 3 – There is no time for jet lag on this trip, as we have to be up and ready to go by 8AM. We have a very important place to be today: the Chitralada Palace compound in the centre of Bangkok. The Chitralada Palace is His Majesty’s residence in Bangkok, and visitors are rarely granted access, which makes us feel privileged (and a tiny, tiny bit elitist).
As many have said, Chitralada Palace is not your typical royal residence – it also doubles up as an agricultural research station and experimental farm, aimed primarily at boosting the income of rice growers in the north. One of the King’s inventions, the Chaipattana Aerator, is a key feature. The Chaipattana Aerator, according to the guide book, is “a floating buoy that rotates slowly to pump oxygen into wastewater.”
Our guide, Kornkanok “Palm” Lao, shows us around. She takes us to see how candles are made , the many uses of dairy, the ways they create sa paper (made from mulberry trees), and how they create biodiesel from waste material, among other things. We also get to sample sweet things that taste like white chocolate, and crackers made out of an algae called Spirulina.
Afterwards, we are taken to the shop. It’s like Tesco’s, but much, much better. I buy shampoo, ice cream, massage oils, dried fruit, and lots and lots of Thai sweets… And then there’s the honey. The honey here is the best honey I’ve ever tasted. It’s so good that I have to buy 10 tubes of it.
Lunch is at a restaurant called Wangwana Kitchen, based inside Dusit Zoo. Dusit Zoo was built as a private garden next to Dusit Palace by King Rama V, and was finally opened to the public as a zoo by King Rama VIII. We get a break after lunch, so I make my way to the overpriced gift shop, and buy a cute cuddly toy (a pink seal wearing a penguin hat, naturally).
Yesterday, we heard briefly about the Chaipattana Foundation, His Majesty’s charity. Today, we actually get to visit their head office. We learn from Sumet Tantivejkul, the Secretary General, that the Chaipattana Foundation aims to improve the quality of life for every Thai person by making them self-reliant, and allowing them to live within their means. They are responsible for over 4000 projects throughout Thailand.
As if this wasn’t enough, we make another trip to the Ministry of Foreign Affairs to get some vital information on what we are going to see tomorrow. Kamolinee Suksriwong, the Director of the Foreign Affairs Group of the Office of the Royal Development Projects Board, tells us about The Kung Krabaen Bay Royal Development Study Centre, which is one of the royal projects. For example, one of their goals is to prevent soil erosion and soil degradation by planting vetiver grass to preserve as much soil moisture as possible. As one of my Geography nerd friends later tells me, it “encourages more water infiltration of the soil because of the decreased surface runoff.” I’ll take her word for it. I, as an Economics student, am more interested by the fact that Thailand no longer aims for a high GDP like most other countries, and instead aims for a goal it calls “sufficiency economy.”
Throughout the whole day, we were promised a trip to the Siam Paragon shopping centre as a treat. We failed to read the small print, as they ‘forgot’ to tell us that this excursion would only last 45 minutes. I didn’t even have time to look at sparkly objects I want but can never afford. Thankfully, there’s still dinner to look forward to. As we head to Sukhumvit for dinner, we come face to face with the notorious Bangkok traffic for the very first time. It takes 45 minutes to move what seems like 5 metres.
Our hosts tonight are the owners of a restaurant called Ruen Khun Noi, but we are treated to food in their own home. I may be a little too enthusiastic about the hor mok, a sort of curried fish paste in a banana leaf basket. I eat so many of them that the hosts begin to notice and ask me if I want to take some home with me at the end of the night. Oops.

Day 4 – Today, we have a 5:30AM start because we’re scheduled to visit Chanthaburi province in the east of Thailand, several hours away. Chantaburi has a very interesting and varied history. It was the place where Phraya Tak (King Taksin the Great) built up his army to drive out Burmese invaders in 1767, and was occupied by France for 11 years from 1893 to 1905.
Because of having to get up so early, I fall asleep on the coach straight away. Three hours later, after a long, relaxing nap, my only thought is, to quote from one of my favourite songs, “Where are we? What the hell is going on?”
The answer? We were finally at the Kung Krabaen Bay Royal Development Study Centre, named after the stingrays (which so famously killed Steve Irwin). Canada has close links with the Study Centre, contributing a significant amount of money for research. What we see today confirms everything we heard yesterday from the Office of the Royal Development Projects Board – there are four departments in the Study Centre: the Department of Forestry, the Department of Livestock Development, lots of fisheries and gardening areas.
Our guide takes us to see the clownfish, the seahorses, and many other different sea creatures. We see the sufficiency economy in action as we watch the small community of Kung Krabaen working together to develop their farms, and the areas where they grow their plants.
On the way back, I see rows of rubber trees, which have slits in them for the farmers to get raw material from, which are later sent to the factories once dried. I also see many fruit trees I would kill to have at home (who doesn’t want fresh dragonfruit every morning?).
To be honest, most of my interest at this point is on my bladder. I am in the middle of a toilet situation. No, I know what you’re thinking. I don’t end up wetting myself. It’s just that, having been in England for so long, I’ve never been subjected to the strange squat toilet. I stare at this toilet at the 7/11 in puzzlement for a few minutes. How am I meant to, you know, go? I’m tempted to hold it in until I get to the next rest stop, but Bangkok is another 2 hours away. And I am desperate for the loo, so I’ll just have to deal. However, the aftermath of this is that I am now stupidly wary of every bathroom in Thailand. One of my more common sayings is now “What type of toilet does it have?” when entering a place.
Thankfully, it gets better. The minute we reach Bangkok, we are driven to the Landmark Hotel (5 stars!!!!) for a feast. We’re made to feel like celebrities as photographers greet us at the door… But I’m already tired of it after they spend what seems like a million years taking photos of us. After my grin feels like it’s permanently stuck onto my face, we are allowed to access the food. It’s a massive buffet, and they have a chocolate fountain! The food is DELICIOUS, but we’re on a strict time limit. I barely get to finish my dessert before we’re hurried out, and back to our hotel.

Day 5 – It’s the final day (of the trip,at least). Our agenda today is Wat Phra Kaeo and the Rattanakosin Museum. Luckily, I get to stay on for an extra few days after this (shopping).
We’ve passed Wat Phra Kaeo and the Grand Palace several times during the last few days, and it’s so pretty and sparkly! Today, they’re finally allowing us to go inside! Inside, it’s even more brilliant, and as I’m obsessed with sparklies, I’m in heaven. There’s loads of mythical creatures around the temple, from giants to birds and even lion hybrids. Eventually, we get to see the famous Emerald Buddha, which is dressed in different costumes throughout the year. The guide also shows us the Grand Palace, so that we can see the Chakri Mahaprasad Hall. The Chakri Mahaprasad Hall is designed in a mix of both Eastern and Western styles, due to King Rama V spending time in Europe.
At the end of the visit I need the loo again, but I am informed that the temple’s public loos are only equipped with squat toilets, so we all know how that ends…
Afterwards, we are also taken to the new Rattanakosin Museum, which is located in Ratchadamneon Avenue, a road Rama V designed to be based on Champs-Elysées in Paris. This museum was only opened in 2010, and some areas still smell of paint. The museum describes the Rattanakosin era in full, and we are taken through the construction of Bangkok – or, if you want to be proper, ‘Krung Thep Mahanakhon Amon Rattanakosin Mahinthara Yuthaya Mahadilok Phop Noppharat Ratchathani Burirom Udomratchaniwet Mahasathan Amon Phiman Awatan Sathit Sakkathattiya Witsanukam Prasit.’ Take that, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch! The view from the top of the building is beautiful, and you can see two significant temples from this vantage: Wat Saket and Wat Ratchanadda.
Due to a lack of time, we are taken to Katak (the chicken restaurant) again, which is close to the hotel. The food isn’t as good this time, and the majority of us are in a hurry to get back.
As soon as we all reach the hotel, I barely have time to say goodbye before everyone rushes off to pack. I, however, am staying for a bit longer, so am in no rush. I leave for Saphan Han, Old Siam, and… Calypso, the best ladyboy show in Bangkok . Additionally, after this, I have a hard time distinguishing between a real woman and a ladyboy (this not helped by the gin and tonics offered at the show).

Overall, I had a fantastic time, got too fat from eating all the food (thanks for that – I still haven’t lost the weight a month on), and learnt so much about Thailand’s colourful history, especially our current King.
Without sounding like an Oscars acceptance speech, I would like to thank the following for making it all possible:

• The Thai Ministry of Foreign Affairs
• H.E. Mr. Kitti Wasinondh, the Thai Ambassador for the UK
• Mr. Pisanu Chanvitan, the Deputy Permanent Secretary
• Mr. Jesda Katavetin, the Deputy Director General of the Department of Information
• Mr. Chutintorn Gongsakdi, the Deputy Director General of the Department of International Organisation
• Miss Arjaree Sriratanaban, the Director of the News Division of the Department of Information
• Mr. Sumet Tantivejkul, the Secretary General of the Chaipattana Foundation
• All the guides
• Everyone who hosted us, such as Ruen Khun Noi and the Landmark Hotel(!)

The Royal Thai Embassy, especially:

• Mr. Rutchabhoom Boonrawd, the First Secretary of the Royal Thai Embassy
• Miss Suchada Maktara, the First Secretary
• Mr. Nijanant Buranasiri, the Third Secretary

And finally, Ramida Vijitphan of Amthai, who put me up for this opportunity in the first place.

This leads to the dreaded conversation:
Friend: “What would you like to eat/drink?”
Me: “Erm, I’ll pretty much eat or drink anything that’s put in front of me.”
Friend: “What do you mean, ‘anything’? CHOOSE SOMETHING.”
Me: “I don’t know what (insert foreign word here) means! You’ve been here before. You know what to get!”
Friend, now frustrated: “I’ll get you a glass of ‘anything’, then.”

The thing is, I’m kinda indecisive. When you’re really hungry or thirsty, the last thing you want to do is give me a menu. I’ll sit there happily for hours, weighing up my choices, no matter how much I need nourishment myself.
I’ve found that it’s just easier for everyone if friends order for me. On most occasions, the places we eat at are places they’ve been before, and they already know what they do and don’t like there. So order your favourite dish, and I’ll eat it.
I’m not that picky - I love seafood, eat meat, and am not allergic to anything. Most people know I have an aversion to peppers and bread, but 99% of the time, I’ll eat what’s on offer, regardless of content.

It’s the same with drinks. Going “eenie meanie miny moe” at a bar takes too much time, and I’ll pretty much drink anything. Who knows, whatever you pick for me could be my new favourite beverage next time.
If you really wanted to know, I like all soft drinks, love vodka, ale, wine and most other spirits (which means that you can probably give me a weird cocktail and I’ll enjoy it). I tend to avoid lager (it just doesn’t sit in my stomach too well), but will drink it if it’s given to me.

See? It’s not that hard!

Benefits of choosing stuff for me:
Quicker serving times, as you don’t have to wait until I finally decide what I want from the menu.
I get to try new things.
We’re both happy.

Downsides of choosing stuff for me:
None.

I like playing Russian Roulette with food and drink when I go out, and it’s fun getting to try things I would probably never choose for myself had I seen the description on the menu. I can’t believe my friends aren’t more willing to use this prime pranking opportunity – this is your chance to make me eat or drink absolutely ANYTHING, such as cinnamon and chilli shots.

Anyway, all food, drinks and booze are the same in the very end.